In January we watched the news, horrified, as the giant furious flames consumed house after house, building after building, street after street, mile after mile in Los Angeles County.
More than 12,000 homes are gone, demolished by the flames — 12,000 families without a place to call home.
Nothing left of what was their home and all they possessed.
We watched people crying. “We’ve lost everything!” we often heard. Many lost their homes and all their possessions. Many lost loved ones who didn’t get out in time.
Such great pain they must be enduring. Watching your home, belongings and neighborhood disappear in a tremendous wildfire is unimaginable.
How will they go on after such devastating losses? Facing a reality that no one should have to go through? How do they keep taking the next breath, getting through from one moment to the next?
Like most of us, I’ve had bad experiences that made it difficult to get from one moment to the next. But never nearly as bad as these people have experienced.
How would I cope if it was me?
Or what would I say to a friend or loved one who lost everything and is carrying a crushing emotional toll?
Whether we’re dealing with the loss of everything, the sudden death of a loved one, an unanticipated major change in our lives, what can we learn from these people about how to handle challenges suddenly hurled at us?
I was curious about that and did some research. Here is what I learned:
“You immediately go into shock, honestly,” said Annie Barbour on NPR.org, who lost her home in an earlier fire.
“Immediately you’re thinking, ‘What the hell just happened to my future?’ Or at least that’s what I thought,” Barbour said. “And then you vacillate between that and you know, thank God I got out. So there’s a real tug-of-war between being grateful and feeling destitute and rudderless.”
Expect to feel your emotions evolving and intensifying as you process the loss over the weeks and months following a disaster. After the shock, you will feel grief, fear and anger. Or, you may simply continue to feel numb.
“Right now, emotions are very raw,” Robert Rich, survivor of an earlier fire that claimed his home, said on psychologytoday.com. “There’s anger at the authorities, anger at the wind and a lot of anger directed towards insurance companies. I recall what later turned out to be an unfounded fear of being screwed by our insurance carrier. I wasn’t acting strategically or in my own best interests.”
Fight the adrenaline rush that kicks in during a sudden crisis, advised Michale Touglas on seniorplanet.org. Touglas has interviewed more than 100 survivors for his books. This adrenaline risk often prompts us to take quick action — many scammers take advantage of it.
Fight the urge to respond to someone who is asking for information from you and might be scamming you. Instead, just pause. The simple act of pausing gives you time to think of several options, rather than leaping into action.
Also, don’t waste time thinking about how and why this happened or who’s to blame. Instead, look at what you need to do right now. Begin to move forward, baby step by baby step.
Focus on getting through each hour, maybe each minute if that’s what you have to do.
“I was amazed to think that I could bear the unbearable,” said Cheryl Strayed in her book “Wild,” describing how she hiked the Pacific Coast Trail to ease the pain of losing her mother. “Every time I moved, it hurt. I counted steps to take my mind off the pain, ticking off the numbers to 100 before starting over again. The numbers made the walk more bearable, as if I only had to go to the end of each one.”
Yes, there’s power in little steps. Little steps give you the feeling of control, keeps away the helpless feelings and the temptation to give up.
“Accept help, if it’s offered. Ask for help if you can,” Alexander Haro who lost everything in a 2018 fire advised on gearjunkie.com. “A friend set up a GoFundMe after I lost my house. I desperately needed it, yet I was mortified. I was basically broke and had absolutely no idea what the future held and I needed time to figure it out.”
“Take advantage of programs designed for situations like these,” he continued. “I’m a prideful man and have a hard time accepting help, but there are times in life when you need it. Take it.”
“It’s easy to dwell on the things you lost — and I’m not telling you not to be sad for those losses — but it can be very, very hard to think of good things in your life when it seems as though everything is bad. Take a breath. You are alive. The sun will rise and set again and you will be there to see it. There are people who love you. You can restart, no matter how difficult it is.
And you will,” Haro added.
Barbara Pierce is a retired licensed clinical social worker with many years of experience helping people. If you would like to purchase a copy of her book, “When You Come to the Edge: Aging” or if you have questions for her, contact her at barbarapierce06@yahoo.com.