Practical tips, advice and hope for those who live alone
By Gwenn Voelckers
Editor’s Note: The column below was published years ago and has been updated by the author in celebration of the 20th anniversary of her solo trip to Paris and the launch of her “Live Alone and Thrive” column. We think the column’s uplifting insights remain as timely and relevant as ever. Enjoy!
This year marks the 20th anniversary of my solo trip to Paris to celebrate turning 50. It also marks the anniversary of a decision I made that changed my life.
It was in the “City of Light” that I decided to create a workshop series designed to help women live on their own with more confidence and joy.
Since launching the workshop in 2005, I have learned and experienced so much. I have also been inspired by the courageous, resourceful women and men I’ve met along the way who are now living alone with pride and gusto.
They reinforce what I practice every day and what I shared in my Live Alone and Thrive workshop (now on hiatus since COVID -19) — namely, that the relationship with ourselves is the most enduring of all and that it is worth nurturing.
Most of these women and men have overcome some very real and often painful obstacles, but they now embrace their independence and are busy leading interesting, full lives.
They are making it on their own. They have challenged, as have I, the age-old belief that marriage, as it has been traditionally defined, is the only state in which we can be truly happy, fulfilled, secure and complete.
Whether divorced, widowed or a confirmed bachelor or bachelorette, they are not spending their time bemoaning their fate. They have conquered uncertainty and adversity and are the stronger for it.
They have taken their lives into their own hands and have come to appreciate the choices and opportunities that living alone has to offer.
This much I know:
1. Living alone doesn’t mean being alone. A single text or phone call can bridge the gap and foster connections.
2. Rediscovering your true self and identifying those things that bring meaning and joy into your life can turn living alone into an adventure of the spirit.
3. Loneliness is not a state of being reserved for single people. Were you ever lonely while you were married?
4. Accepting party invitations is worth doing, even if you suspect the party will be mostly couples. Remind yourself that guests often separate into groups of women and men, so singles blend right in.
5. Figuring out how to hire a contractor, buy a car or even replace the flapper valve in your toilet — all by yourself — can be very gratifying!
6. Sitting in solitude allows you to listen to your inner voice, process loss and begin a journey of self-awareness and compassion. Enlightenment can follow.
7. Pursuing a volunteer activity, part-time job, academic degree or deeper role in your congregation can be invigorating and fun.
8. The stereotyped image of single women and men as desperate and miserable is exaggerated and just plain untrue. Not a believer? Check out this article about an older adult living by herself and thriving: A Centenarian Thrives Living Alone, Active and Engaged. Simply Google the title and be inspired!
9. Traveling solo can awaken your sense of adventure and passions you never knew existed. Whether it’s Paris or Poughkeepsie, traveling by yourself creates space for these discoveries.
10. Doing a random act of kindness is a great antidote when you’re feeling lonely and sorry for yourself.
11. Friends matter. Reach out. Nurture your friendships. Honor your commitments.
12. Turning your home into a personal retreat that reflects your own tastes, without compromise, can be liberating. Energizing. Even healing.
13. Letting go of the idea that you need to be married to have any chance of being happy and fulfilled is essential. This idea will only keep you mired in self-pity. “Build thy home in thy heart and be forever sheltered.” Anonymous
14. Treating yourself well builds self-esteem. Prepare healthy meals. Get enough sleep. Exercise. You’re worth it. Tell yourself so by taking good care of yourself.
15. Managing your own schedule becomes easier on your own. You can prioritize your time however you want, leading to greater productivity and personal growth.
16. Getting out of your comfort zone is worth the discomfort. Try something new — tap dancing, a cooking class, book club, drumming circle — or whatever piques your interest. It’s a great way to have fun and meet new people.
17. Isolating on holiday, birthdays, Sundays, etc. is for the birds. Solitary confinement is punishment for criminals, not single people. Make plans.
18. Comb your hair. Lose the sweats. Put a smile on your face. It’s important to create your own positive feedback. Looking your best can bring people, compliments and joyful energy your way.
19. There’s no shame in asking for help. It’s not a sign of weakness. On the contrary, asking for help shows courage and resourcefulness.
20. Self-confidence and humor can lead to rewarding relationships; neediness and desperation can thwart them.
21. Doing anything alone means you enjoy life and your own good company; it’s a reflection of your independence.
22. Expanding your definition of love beyond romantic love will stand you in good stead. Embrace passionate friendships — those relationships in which you can be yourself and feel completely comfortable.
23. Hanging out with negative people is a real downer. Put yourself with uplifting people who make you feel good about yourself and about life.
24. Living alone and loving it takes practice. Know that there is always someone you can call or something you can do to improve your situation.
25. Building your home in your heart can deliver peace as well as power. Harness that potential and your contentment will know no bounds.
Don’t I know it!
Gwenn Voelckers is the author of “Alone and Content: Inspiring, empowering essays to help divorced and widowed women feel whole and complete on their own.” She welcomes your thoughts on this column as well as topic suggestion for future essays at gvoelckers@rochester.rr.com.